I'm just back from seeing it myself and like yourself PD, I share similar views.
There's a lot of things wrong with this movie in my opinion, I'll try and keep this short (famous last words) but there's a lot on my mind (warning, here be spoilers).
[spoiler:3k6ss38u]I'll start from the top, the main plot, it was terrible. Why did it have to be the fountain of youth, one of the most famous stories in fiction? I've been voicing this opinion since the moment I heard this was going to be the film's story, If they managed to create a great, original and creative story of the Pearl's curse in the first film, why not here? But I thought "alright, I'm not happy with it but I'll go with it" in the hope maybe we'll get a fleshed out explanation of the fountain with motives etc, but we aren't. Another thing is Blackbeard, why? Why use the most famous pirate in the history of fiction? You created Jack Sparrow, you created Barbossa, would it have hurt so much to create a brand new character, give him a fearsome history and use him?
Next up in my rant is characters. I hated Angelica with a passion on so many levels. Blackbeard's daughter? Really? Did that have any relevance at all the to story with the exception of the finale? Not really. The worst however with this character is the fact they made her a love interest for Jack. NO. If it wasn't for the ending Jack's character - in my opinion the best character to be constructed from any movie in the past 10 years - was as good as dead for me. If there's anything we learned from Curse of the Black Pearl it's that Jack Sparrow is a selfish, determined but extremely cunning character whose only love is his ship. It is this persona that we all fall in love with and see him almost as the ultimate anti-hero. If you cast your mind back to Tortuga you'll remember the two women who slapped him ("I'm not sure I deserved that - I may have deserved that"), thus confirming he's not the type for settling down/love. The Jack we know and I love doesn't need anyone, he only needs himself and his Pearl. There were times I thought this was lost (such as the feelings confessing with Gibbs, the scene when she drinks from the fountain, sorta the end) but hints that he's still the character he is. Another film will ruin this completely though I'm sure. Aside from her there's the matter of the Spanish, Blackbeard and the ruddy king of England. The inclusion of the Spanish was probably the most pointless in the entire film, why they needed to include them I'll never know, if anything this would have been a better way to link Angelica into the story instead of via Blackbeard. She could have been an infamous Spanish pirate, in search for the fountain but on the run from Spanish military. Speaking of Blackbeard I've already spoke of my disliking for his inclusion but there is so much more. Call me old fashioned but when I picture Blackbeard - the most infamous and feared pirate in the legends - I expected something a bit more, fearsome. Bigger build, bigger beard, kinda like Barbossa. Ian McShane was a terrible casting idea for the character, heck his zombie crewman would have been a better person to play the character. The topic of Barbossa brings me to my next point, why join the british navy? Alright, I had a big punt from the start he was still a pirate and was going to turn on them but still, the only reason I can think of for him being with them is for that they had an excuse to film a nearly 40 minute scene in London (which I actually liked! Surprisingly). I feel there were other ways Barbossa could have been used. I don't care what you say there's surely no way a king would negotiate with a pirate - no matter how much corruption there is. Although these are pretty bad character/sub-plot choices the worst, the VERY VERY worst was the mermaids, and the love story between one of them and who I simply refer to as "Holy Man". After the long-winded the boring romance from the last two movies I've had enough with love in my Pirate movies. There were far too many times they got screen time and I just wish Blackbeard would prove that he was "the very bad man" he claimed to be. Holy Man must have really been the second coming of Jesus some of the things he managed to survive.
That's my very main complaints dealt with but there are a few off the top of my head that I didn't like. Blackbeard's super fire weapon on his ship was ridiculous, I felt there weren't enough sword fights and as Jack put it "A bottle? Why is the Black Pearl in a bottle?" That for me took the absolute biscuit in Blackbeard's mess of a story. Simply stupid.
Saying all this, despite everything that I have said, I still prefer this film over the last two; and I think that is solely because of Johnny Depp. For me he brought himself back up from his dismal performances in the Dead's Man Chest and At World's End and gave Sparrow a worthy performance. It wasn't as good as when I first met him but in the opening London scene I felt like the days of 2003 were back. It just a shame the movie peaked about 25 minutes in and began sinking as soon as Penelope Cruz showed her face (or shadow, whatever).
So such for laughs let's have a look at my hopes/predictions and put some comments to them.
What I wish/hope to see tonight:
- A fun, exciting and original story like Curse of the Black Pearl's was.
From the London scene yes. For the rest of the movie a big no no.
- Little to no references of the previous two films (this I know won't happen though, shame).
With the obvious exception of Barbossa being alive and well this actually happened. Kudos on that point at least!
- Johnny Depp to show me why he was my favourite actor back in 2003.
Yeah I'd say that, I thought he was much better than the last two excuses.
- An amazing soundtrack from the fantastic Hans Zimmer.
Forgetful. With the exception of Blackbeard's theme (which I'm guessing is what it's called, the one they played when Jack was forced to work on his ship) I can't think of a single track that wasn't originally from the first movie. I'm disappointed. Zimmer.
- A reminder that Pirates of the Caribbean is still an amazing film franchise, and the last two were mistakes.
Mixed. I think they've accepted that DMC and AWE were bad and wanted to make amends, but they blew this opportunity.
What I expect to see tonight:
- A rushed, dull and poorly wrote story.
Bingo!
- An unoriginal plot in terms of mermaids/zombies etc that aren't expressed into any detail, or poorly done.
Ding ding ding!
- Over-acted, annoying Johnny Depp/Jack Sparrow like what we saw in Dead Man's Chest and At World's End.
Thankfully not, see above.
- Another reason why I cannot stand Penelope Cruz's acting.
Oh indeed, that Spanish accent get's right up my nose.
- Former great characters such as Barbossa ruined.
Again mixed, didn't like the fact he joined the British navy but redeemed himself at the end. Still think it could have been done a lot better.
- A reason not to pick up on DVD/Blu Ray.
Only thing that will probably convince me to buy this on Blu Ray is if it's going for next to nothing in Cex (or my mum wants to buy it, who loved it).
So after all that (if you survived reading it that is, I just had a look at it in the preview, ouch!) my final opinion. To keep it short and sweet, it's better than the last two, but there are a lot of things wrong with it.
5.0/10[/spoiler:3k6ss38u]
